; one of those days

It’s been awhile since I blogged, 3 months to be exact. Time certainly does fly past, in my previous post I only just started college. Now? I’m a secretary of the SAM student council, enjoying an amazing social life, being choked to death with assignments and assessments and many many more.

Life has been a tidal wave for me, so many highs yet so many lows. I would say that these past 3 months has been really eventful and interesting. I’ve certainly felt pain that I thought that I would never have to feel. I’ve seen people turn from the nicest of people to the most horrible beings I’ve ever seen. I guess the most important lesson that I’ve learnt is that, we should never expect the impossible to never happen.

Short update, but what the heck. Hopefully I’ll write more soon.

; humble beginnings

 

Oh hello blog, hope you didn’t miss me. Cheers to another blogpost ahead!

Writing again, feels weird. I haven’t actually written anything for the past 3 – 4 months or so. I'm pretty sure I’ve grown into laziness and sloth, which both shares the same meaning come to think of it.

Happy new year!? I guess? The Mayan calendar supposedly ‘prophesized’ that humanity will all die out this year, but honestly, I don’t think it’s true, humanity has grown so much to just end like this. I wouldn’t be surprised though, if people quit their jobs a day before the world is supposed to end, especially in America (cause their the big shots, right.)

Over the months that I’ve been absent, I was finishing SPM, working during the PC fair, on Bali for a holiday, enrolled myself as a Taylor’s student and just going a lot. I can say my holidays were… pretty productive? Sadly this ‘holiday’ is about to end and it’s back to books once again.

Anyway, I’ve started this project called Project 365, I shall put a link to that blog in this paragraph itself. It’s basically a project in which you put a photo up everyday and talk about it. It’s interesting, so I really really want support from anyone and everyone! Check out : http://chasingthreesixtyfive.blogspot.com/ 

Don’t worry, I’ll update this blog from time to time again, this blog is just more personal if I put it myself, anyway, have an awesome 2012 ahead of everyone!

“ I want a song called Back To January, seriously, Taylor Swift, write me one!”

; not the last goodbye

Hi everyone or anyone reading this, glad you stuck by me so far, to finally read a cheery post. That’s right, it’s a HAPPIER POST. :P

Anyway, I’ve decided to cut myself from my online social life after today, until SPM ends (or my temptations overcomes my will, depends). So this blog might be kind off dead for awhile. I might not even post anytime soon after SPM. So consider this my farewell till SPM ends.

While the start of SPM is a mere two weeks away, it also means the end to my secondary school life. I wouldn’t say it was perfect, but I’ve certainly learnt my lessons, and pulled myself back together again, time and time again.

This post, is for all those that taught me those lessons and made my days brighter, much much brighter when I’m down all the time.

Heh, you don’t know how much I love my photographers by sticking by my side and dealing with my mood swings. First off, Jun Yu and Jake, thank you for being awesome bros. You guys brighten up my day any day with pathetic remarks and lame ass jokes. Don’t worry, I’ll join you two one day for yam char. Gavin, thank you for being a surprise, you are a quiet boy, I know, but damn, when you speak, you never stop, so blessed to have you on my team. Jeremy, thank you for dealing with me all these years, you’ve been a wonderful friend, we never really became best friends or super close friends, but I know you were there for the times I needed some backing. Bryan, you are one of the first people to pull back up to my feet when I was down those donkey years ago, and I’m happy to say that I really thank the Lord for having you as a bestfriend really. Thanks for being my drummer and my photographer. My girls (MINE I TELL YOU) Alicea, Audrey and Rayshell (SORRY, I’ll find a picture with both of us soon k) heh, ya’ll are amazing at what you do, really. Being there all the time during dummy week, being around me when I call you urgently for last minute photo shoots / events. Thank you so much, for doing such a great job. Alicea, thanks for the randomness that we both share, Audrey, thanks for being so KAWAI. (sorry) and Rayshell, thank you for being so supportive and loud. :3

Joseph, we’ve been friends since 9 or 10? I think? We’ve had our ups and downs but we made it through all those tough times. You’ve been a great friend indeed, just so you know. Priya (since you’re in the picture. :P) it’s okay, if don’t people like you, as long as you know you’ve a few people around you, it’s fine, you’ll make it through, cause quality is better than quantity. Fina, we’ve had a history only you and I both know. We didn’t work out, and till this day, I’m still sorry for that. I’m just really blessed to still have you as a very close friend, really. Even though we’ve known each other for a short period of time, the things we’ve done and conquered makes me feel like I’ve known you forever. Thank you so much, and stay K-pop in those new bangs. hahahah. :P

Two of my favouritest (is that even a word?) best friends in the world, gosh we look so hot in the picture (especially me, hahahahaha). Wei Siang, thank for the bromance since we were 11 till now. Gosh I feel gay when I talk about you. You’ve been an awesome guy, really. You might not think you’re great, but I can tell you, you are born to achieve great things really. Don’t look down on yourself, cause you are who you are. Jo Li! I know you just won nationals, damn proud okay. :’)  haha, but yeah thank you, for being around really. Not so much this year, but the presence of you just makes me feel so loved all the time.

Hi cute stuff, sorry, I like calling you that. The only reason that we’re best friends is because you saw my Tropicana Golf Club card and recognized my childhood face. And I’m still amazed at how much of a small world that we live in, really. Thank you so much fore being there for me and wanting to continue our friendship that we left behind at Q-Dees. :)

Hi Lee Ann hi. We weren’t this close this year, but, you certainly made my secondary school life, a whole lot special-er (that’s not a word as well). Remember those times when we walked to Terrys, then Mr. Goey for tuition? That was awesome, and then we’d usually have bubble tea in between. Ahh, how time flies past doesn’t it? Thank you for giving me support all the time, just so that I can stand back on my feet over again. And don’t worry. I’ll certainly cherish the memories that you gave me. Ed-Lynn! You’re probably the person that understands me the most really. And I’m grateful to have found someone like you as a friend. I hope you know that, I’ll always be here for you, if you need to talk. I’ll pick up your any call, reply your any text any day.

My hair is messy and I don’t care. (JOSEPH, Y U IN PICTURE AGAIN) Sam, you are an amazing editorial boss, never doubt yourself really, you’ve done an amazing job. Thank you, for tolerating with my extreme randomness at times and telling me to wake up every time I’m at a low. Andrea, you so awesome I tell you, your Indian accent is so good. hahaha, nah just kidding. Thank you, for teaching me that, if I really want people to love me, I gotta love myself first. I’m still bad at loving myself but, I’m trying just so you know. Krystle! First off al, no I was never afraid of you when I first saw you. Hahaha, I know that’s the first impression you always get. Thanks for being my daily dose of sarcasm really, you really brighten up my day when I try to think of other sarcastic remarks to shoot back at you. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW HARD I TRY. Heh, but thank you for being an awesome HEBAT co-captain, you’ll be great in life, I know. Resh, thank you so much for designing my class page, it’s so amazing that it’s more amazing than the design you did for Sam (just saying that mine’s better) you’ve been such an amazing senior that it’s really hard to come by as all my other senior friends (LOL) have been busy with college that I don’t want to disturb them. :(

Peiii, (such an old photo of us, lol) hope you’re doing fine in Australia, I’m sorry for those days when I can’t cheer up your mood with whatever commotion is going on there. Just so you know, it’s okay to lose friends, because at the end of the day, it’s the real ones that will never leave. (LIKE ME, I think.) Thank you for reminding me that I can achieve what I’ve been longing for in SPM. Thank you for pushing me, thank you for listening to me every time I call you on skype. You don’t know how amazing you are. See you soon. :)

Waliaoeh, Nicholas Cheng. Why I take so many photos with you, that’s it’s so hard to choose. You know, it’s really okay, if you ditch me sometimes just to talk to other people because we all know those others are girls. Sigh, you and your obsession with girls. Thank you for having the lamest jokes that sometimes (Okay, most of the time) put me to shame really. :( I want your brilliant brain just so you know.

 

I think my parents are gonna kill me for this. (ONLY ONCE) Yes dad, I do have a girlfriend. Andrea (LIM) you really don’t know how much I love you, really. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you cry, which I perfectly know I have. I’m sorry that at times I can be such a douche. I’m not the most perfect guy, but just so you know that I’m always trying to be perfect for you, even though it leads to disastrous outcomes. No one expected us, I didn’t expect to have you. Thank you for the best 6 months I’ve ever had in my life really. It’ll be hard when I start college, but I promise you that I will try. I love you. I really do.

I’m sorry if I missed out anyone in my life, really, cause I can’t find any pictures of you. (I’m disorganised) But yes, thank you, anyone who has been in my life up till this point, those who walked away, and those who stayed. Thank you for being part of my high school life. I’m going to miss all of you, after high school and that’s something I’m pretty sure of.

Yeah, sounds like I’m about to die eh, this post? hahaha, I know. :(  But don’t take this as a farewell post, instead take this as a post for those special people who has played a huge role in my life. A post of gratitude and appreciation. Thank you so much.

 

 

 

; See you after SPM. Or maybe even later. :)

; reckless

Hi, everyone. Back for another post? Don’t worry this won’t be as dark or scary as my previous posts (okay, a lot of posts)

You know, it’s real funny how people tend to misunderstand others so much. Not just by looks, but just by the way we sometimes act, could give others bad impressions about ourselves. For instance, let’s say you were walking down the hallway, and then we pass by me. And I don’t give any look to you, it doesn’t mean, I hate you or anything right?

It’s all psychology. Girls would think that others are giving her the bitch eye stare, not because others are giving her the bitch eye stare, it’s because she THINKS others are giving her the bitch eye stare. Thus she’ll probably return the bitch eye stare back to the “others”, as most of us, no matter how much we deny it at times, are a vengeful lot.

Action certainly speaks louder than words. So much louder in fact, that misconceptions are made. You don’t judge someone by his looks, you don’t judge someone by what he does, you don’t judge anyone by what they’re trying to do. First impressions are always the key to socializing these days, nothing more, nothing less. Give a bad one, people will hate you forever, give a good one, people will love you. That’s how the world works these days.

Most people never try, they never try to find out the other side of the story. We never try. The world is getting colder, I swear.

 

 

I was speaking too fast, all I wanted to say was: “I had a great day with you.” It’s a lie, but I just wanted to say that, just to let you know. Humbly, I admit, I was outshone. Very much outshone, in all aspects. It’s okay, I know I wasn’t born to impress. Wasn’t born to impress you or anyone.

; let’s call a toast

Cheers to me, a total failure in life. After JPS decided to change they’re grading scores. I have an extra C and two less As which makes my results look even more bad enough. HAH, C+ that’s so genius. That’s way too genius. New grade eh, I solute you government I really, fucking do. Cheers to myself for not being able to get hold of marking schemes, being too fucking careless and just having a high enough absorption rate even though I study. I don’t study the hardest, but I study most of the time.

Cheers to fucking Delon Wong who went to the toilet for 20 minutes just to read the answers again. DON’T FUCKING DENY YOU DIDN’T FUCKING YOU CHEAT, YOU MOTHERFUCKING LIAR. Cheers to him for accusing me of being jealous of  a stolen 92 marks while I’m just 2 marks away from that supposed A-, but then again even if I get a 70 it won’t be an A-, it’ll be an B+. Who the hell gets a 50/50 for paper 1, who in the fucking world gets a damn 97/100 for paper 2. Who the hell gets a 38/40 for mod maths paper 1 and get a 52/100 for paper 2. HAHAHA, I’M KINDA FUCKING GLAD YOU FUCKING FAILED YOUR FUCKING ADD MATHS. HEH, 28. GOOD JOB, BRO. Yeah I hope that form 4 girl of yours breaks up with you after she finds out how fucking small your penis is. that’s right. your small penis. And if you’re reading this. I don’t really care, if you punch me in school you know why? Cause I know you’ll take off my glasses before you punch me anyway. and btw. I might be skinny but hell I pack a bigger punch than you do.

Parents, be disappointed in me all you want. Really. Be disappointed in my grades all you want. Cause I know I disappoint all the time, I know deep down inside you really just wanted me to be an overachiever. I know deep down inside, you always wished I was smarter. Don’t deny. Don’t deny it mom, I’m not like other teacher’s children, cause I’m supposedly smart, but no, I’m different. And dad, I know you had excellence bio and physics back then, and yet, I can’t live up to your scores, I can’t live up to who you are. I’m just not you. Or grandpa who is so damn excellent at chemistry. I just can’t live up to both your standards. I can’t live up to my mom’s excellence in Maths, I know I can’t. So be disappointed cause I already can’t live up to my own self. I already hate myself for who I am.

What’s the damn point if you study and yet you don’t get the reward in return. What’s the damn point being stuck in a class with so many smart people around that just demoralise you time and time and time and fucking time again. I see everyone around me getting such high grades while I get satisfactory, but not amazing grades. What’s the damn point if everyone around you is using marking schemes and tips. FINE I FUCKING ADMIT. I DID USE TIPS. but I didn’t concentrate on just tips, I studied every. single. damn. thing.

It’s just so damn tiring to not get what I want. to not live up to my own expectations. I’m not an amazing photographer. I know I will never live up to Luke or Zheng Yang, my directors for the past two years. I’m a horrible Buddhist society president, I know. I look at Timothy and his army of CF and I’m just jealous. I really am. I’m a failure for my house team. I didn’t improve on your 4th place for the past few years. in fact i made us last. See, how much of a failure I am.

I don’t remember crying so much. over my own life. at the moment I’m sad and angry at the same time. the reason I’m typing this? it’s the only way I release my anger and sorrow without actually trying to kill myself. heh, pathetic I know, crying over marks and grades. THAT’S HOW I AM, DON’T JUDGE ME. OKAY. I want to live up to my own damn expectations and it’s saddening to see that I can’t. I just fucking can’t.

I’m not proud of myself. If you don’t love yourself who will love you. heh, it’s okay. I’m okay with being alone. I was alone anyway. Yeah, true. Don’t love me, this is to everyone.

 

; when you try your best but you don’t succeed.

trust me, I’m trying to fix myself.

; near perfect

 

I remember Weng, during one of our Chemistry chats earlier this year, he told me this; “Wah, Jia Wei, got girlfriend, got driver’s licence, got camera, got guitars, your life damn perfect.”

I chuckled at that cause I know my life isn’t perfect. I’m not perfect.

I don’t look at the world as a horrible place, yes I know, my previous posts has been depressing (sadly this one is a depressing one as well) and you might think so, but honestly, I just look at myself in a bad light.

I know my flaws, I’m hot tempered, materialistic, too straightforward, a liar, procrastinator, those are my major flaws. People say that what’s makes me who I am and love me for it, but what if I don’t love myself? I am truly grateful that my parents had born me and gave me what I need to succeed in life. I am very grateful for the friends I know that’ll stand by my side all the time, but I just feel, so insecure about myself, I feel like, I don’t belong.

I try, I put in my effort, to study. I really do, I don’t study the hardest, but I really really, do study, but in the end, the results I get are all the same. I always fail myself to achieve those As that I want and need. What do I want them for? For the improvement of my life, for my family, for myself. I know I’m not satisfied till I achieve what I want, but for the past 2 years of form 4 – 5 life, I have never been satisfied with my results. Never ever.

What do I do, to push myself that extra mile, to go even further, to do even better? This is the hardest push, I have ever done, for exam preparations, but yet, I still feel like a slave compared to others who look like kings to me. Kings that are way too good in intellect and wisdom of subjects.

Yeah, I’m complaining about myself, blah blah blah, if you don’t want to read, then get out. Sigh.

I just want to feel smart for once, please.

; Frued

Sigmund Freud, an early psychologist, states that early experiences shape us for who we are today.

He states that the human mind is like an ice berg submerged in artic sea. The part of the ice berg which you can see is the conscious mind, the sea is like a divider acts as the pre-conscious mind and the part of the ice berg which we all can’t see is the unconscious mind. He states that the unconscious mind stores the memories which makes us who we are today, these memories will come up to the conscious mind and affect us in some sort of ways, well, that’s my interpretation.

I don’t know when or why I get so depressed when it comes to studying wise. It’s like whatever I try to do to improve myself, I just can’t grasp it, I just can’t reach the finish line. Terry, my add maths tuition teacher says that “Try is for losers, do is for winners.” If you do put in all your effort and push for something you really want, but yet you don’t get the reward that you’ve been longing for, does that still make you winner? In my theory, no, cause in the end, you still haven’t achieved what you want in life, you haven’t achieved what you really want.

People always tell me, “Just try your best,” but you know, deep down inside, your best isn’t enough, that the world won’t revolve around oneself. It’s either you walk with it, or get left out, that’s how modern society is right now. If you actually tried your best by being your best, does that still make you a loser? Most people would say no, thus for motivational purposes, I would disagree as well. Grades, intellect, are always the things employers look for, and sadly I have neither good grades or intellect.

When I see people going for interviews for scholarships at Taylor’s, HELP, Sunway, I get jealous, because I can’t do the same thing, because I don’t have the grades to prove that I’m as smart or as good as them when it comes to studying wise. I get jealous when I see people overachieving; debating, sports, popularity in school, all of that in a couple of years. Whilst I still sit around in school, being a nobody outside the schooling area not being to achieve what these people have achieved.

Call me lazy, call me not being able to grasp onto the moment and take advantage, yes, it is my fault that I’m jealous of all these things. But with that being said, is everyone actually born with the gift of intellect? Some people have communication problems when with others, does that mean they don’t get a chance to prove themselves in the form of intellect at all? Yes, the modern society won’t want to be listening to a debater stuttering all the time. But then again, there isn’t anything wrong with me, so yes, once again it is my fault.

You know I can never be proud of my achievements over the past 17 years of my life. When it comes to school achievements, yes, I can be partially proud with the post I held during the past years. When it comes to outside of school, I can’t be. I had the chance to prove it today, and yet I can’t prove it, I can’t prove to myself that I’m good enough to be accepted, to be good enough to be someone who actually has a future ahead of myself.

I failed today because I didn’t have a fast enough brain absorption rate, because I wasn’t smart enough when applying things I’ve learnt into an essay. Yet, are we to be blamed for this? Are we to blame our parents for this? Are we to blame our genes for this? I don’t know. I mean we’re born like this, it’s not like we can do anything about it no? Yes, we can improve ourselves, but till a certain extent I believe.

An extent that I won’t exceed.

 

I really don’t know what I’d do without you sometimes. I’m still sorry about our yesterdays, still sorry about what happened. I just wished I took action earlier, to prevent all of this.